It Didn’t Feel Safe to Grow

For years, I’ve carried this quiet thought in the back of my mind:

“I feel like a hidden gem.”

And I don’t mean that from arrogance.

I don’t mean, “Look how amazing I am.”

Honestly, it’s been more confusion than pride.

Because deep in my heart, I knew there was more.

I’ve watched people find peace.

Hearts soften.

Relationships heal.

Lives change.

I knew what flowed through my life had been shaped through pain, surrender, healing, and years of walking with God.

So for years I sat with this quiet tension:

“God… why does it feel like there’s more inside me than what’s unfolding around me?”

I believed His timing mattered.

I still do.

But recently, during a deep time with God, He revealed something that changed everything.

Beneath all my prayers for growth…

Was a hidden belief.

It isn’t safe to grow.

The moment I saw it…

Everything clicked.

My life has been filled with unpredictability.

Military life.

Raising my autistic son.

Health crises.

So many seasons where I learned to brace for the unexpected.

And without even realizing it…

I had quietly associated growth with chaos.

More responsibility.

More pressure.

More visibility.

More unpredictability.

And because I don’t thrive in chaos…

There was a deeper part of me quietly pulling the emergency brake.

“Nope. Not safe.”

So even though my heart desired expansion…

There was another belief underneath it all saying:

Growth means overwhelm.

Growth means losing peace.

Growth isn’t safe.

Suddenly I understood why I had felt stuck.

Not because I lacked purpose.

Not because I lacked gifting.

Not because God had forgotten me.

But because somewhere deep within…

I didn’t feel safe.

Then I felt God whisper so gently:

“Do you not think I know how to care for you?

Do you not think I will provide for you?

Do you not think you are held?”

Whew.

And suddenly I realized…

This wasn’t really about growth.

It was about trust.

Could I trust God more deeply than my fear of uncertainty?

Could I trust that the same God who carried me through every hard season before…

Would also carry me through expansion?

Because why would this season be any different?

Then God began revealing something else.

Once I saw the belief that it wasn’t safe to grow…

I also began seeing the subtle ways I had been keeping myself hidden.

Not intentionally.

Not consciously.

But through overgiving.

Overpouring.

Helping everyone else build.

Supporting everyone else’s vision.

Giving my time, energy, wisdom, and resources away so freely…

That there was very little left for the very thing God was inviting me to build.

The surprising part was…

I truly believed I was simply being loving.

And I was.

But there was another layer underneath it.

Staying hidden felt safer than being fully seen.

That realization humbled me deeply.

Because hidden beliefs can quietly shape our lives without us even realizing it.

They influence our choices.

Our patterns.

Our comfort zones.

Even the subtle ways we hold ourselves back.

That’s why continuing to surrender our hearts matters so much.

Since 2002, when I hit rock bottom and surrendered my life to God, this has been my prayer:

“God, examine my heart.

Show me what’s keeping me from the fullness You have for me.”

Little by little…

Layer by layer…

He does.

Not with shame.

Not with condemnation.

But with love.

With gentleness.

With perfect timing.

Even after all these years…

I’m still growing.

Still healing.

Still learning.

Still becoming aware.

Still surrendering.

That journey never really ends.

But something has changed.

I no longer believe growth has to cost me my peace.

I no longer believe being seen has to mean living in chaos.

Instead, I’m learning a new truth.

It is safe to grow.

It is safe to expand.

It is safe to be seen.

I am deeply held.

I am deeply supported.

So let me leave you with a question…

Is there an area of your life where your heart longs for something…

But somewhere deep down…

It still doesn’t feel safe to receive it?

Sometimes the breakthrough isn’t found in trying harder.

Sometimes it’s found in uncovering the hidden belief that’s been quietly shaping your story all along.

~~~~~~~

Part of the Breadcrumbs collection by Abby Lewis—true stories that leave room for God to speak.